MY NO LONGER UNWRITTEN THESIS

So this weekend I went to "Black Friday" in the states. Funny how after a holiday, us North Americans find that we need to spend the day in crowds and long lines for the best deals.. But anyways I, like millions of other Americans, went Black Friday shopping. It was interesting going to the mall at 5am to find the parking lot packed, and line up's already in front of stores that are not even open yet. Even more crazy was the fact that I actually even saw people I knew there. One thing I learned this weekend (besides what colour eye shadow works best with what) was that like my sense for shopping, for me it's all about quality over quantity. To me it dosn't matter how many of something I own, or the fact that I have 10 different pairs of shoes or whatever, but as long as the quality is good and it looks fantastic, I'd rather spend more for it. And when I think about it, that's how I am in life too. I know what looks good and what will be good for me, so I'm willing to spend it all on that one thing and wear it a ton. Like, when it comes to non-material things, I just wait until I see exactly what I want, no matter how hard it is to get, and then just go for it. It dosn't matter how many friends you have, or how many guys you've had, or how many classes you take, it's not about quantity. It's about what kind of friends you have, and how great your relationship is, and what you want out of those classes. Why buy 10 pairs of cheap shoes if they make your feet hurt? It just dosn't make sense.

Baby, you can have whatever you like

GETTING PERSONAL WITH THE BATHROOM FLOOR

For a few days or so I've been having another reoccurring dream. Having reoccurring dreams is nothing out of the ordinary for me, I usually have the same dream nights in a row, especially significant ones. But this one was about something that happened a few months ago, actually it was the day before my mom's funeral. It's kinda random, I suppose you could say that I think it's my closest "spirit encounter".

Well that night I had to write my eulogy for my mom's funeral, and I was so busy that week that I didn't write it, I just had the one that I said for her viewing, but I wanted to expand on it for the actual funeral. So that night I got home late from prayer, and I went into my room to my laptop. But instead my laptop was gone, which was weird cause I was using it that morning. So I started freaking out cause it was about midnight and I needed to finish it. My aunts and cousin started helping me look all over the house for it and we practically tore the house apart. But after a while it was nowhere to be found, I knew it was in my e-mail so my cousin drove me to my other cousins house where I could open it to copy. So there I hand wrote my eulogy which wasn't edited very well due to the time constraint, but I got it done eventually and it turned out pretty decent. The next morning my aunt comes in my room saying that she found my laptop in the floor of my bathroom in front of the shower, which was ridiculous, cause all four of us used that bathroom the night before.

My mom always hated how I typed out letters, cards, etc. on the computer, and said that it was impersonal. I suppose she just wanted my last words to be more personal, and that it was. I'm not too sure why I keep having this dream, but I just thought I would share and ask a question. Do you believe that dreams try to tell you something, or are they just random?

Last night I saw you in my dreams, now I can't wait to go to sleep.

CHANGE OF HEART? NO, YOU'RE JUST BIPOLAR

This past week or so has been actually pretty livable. I don't feel so trapped in my room like I have been these past few months, and I actually don't mind staying downstairs and having a conversation once in a while. I don't know if its because of the talk, or because we threw her a huge party, but somethings up. Sometimes I try to think, maybe shes changed. But then again, how many times have I said that within the past five years? So instead I've come to a conclusion. Shes bipolar. There's no other explanation. Why else would be be randomly cooperative when we've been having stupid disagreements for months? I'm not stupid, I'm not going to fall for it again, I've learned from my mistakes. I always hope that maybe she realizes that she's insane and will somehow turn back to a normal person. But no, every time she proves me wrong. Lately she always seems to disappoint. I miss the times when she actually was what she tries to be. But like I said, I learn from my mistakes.

You're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS CONSIDERATE

I'm not one for regrets. I don't regret things very often. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I'm usually considerate enough to not make regret worthy mistakes. But sometimes I can't help but do the same things over and over again. Those are the things that I regret, when I pull the same crap again and again. Last time I checked you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, right? So why is it that the things that I do wrong just keep happening, and the random things I do work out just right..

Thinking about the time we share and how I wasn't there, it hurt me.

WHEN THE BACKSEAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

How many ways are there that the backseat of a mini van can change your life? Get your head out of the gutter people! Well for me, there's only been one. One year ago, a long drive, Ne-yo on repeat, and the backseat changed my life. After hours spent talking about crazy times, fights, ridiculousness, and beach side drama, I was sure of exactly what I wanted. Last year I went to Portland to shop, and I was chillin in the van with my favourite person, for what seemed like the shortest ride ever. Not only did I buy some nice shoes and quite a bit of makeup, I got something worth much more, an opportunity that turned into reality.

True love won't lie, but we won't know unless we give it a try.

BITTERSWEET POETRY, WELL SPEECHES

Sometimes you just have to suck it up. You can't always think about yourself, and your feelings. Like, it's not that I'm ungrateful. Truthfully that's the only reason I put up with all this crap, because I am grateful. It's hard to show that. It is so hard to show how grateful you are when you resent someone with all your entity. So how is it that I can say such harsh words, and then say a speech of praise right after? You swallow all your pride and you suck it up, cause when you think about it, they do deserve it, sorta. It's all about being the bigger person. Even if it makes you unhappy, as long as she is not bugging me (too much) about it, then it's all good, right? So with that, here goes my bittersweet latte speech, with a pint of sugar, to mask that harsh espresso.

Bittersweet, you're going to be the death of me.

FOLLOWING SUNNY SKIES, I LONG FOR TWILIGHT

So last night, actually this morning, I watched the new Twilight movie. I've been a fan of the series for about a year now, and I honestly think that it's one of the best books that I have ever read. This morning I was asked "what's so good about Edward Cullen?" When you think about it, who in their right mind would fall in love with a vampire that is addicted to your scent and puts you in danger every second that their around? Maybe thats the beauty of Edward Cullen, even though he is so dangerous and even puts himself in danger, he just can't stand not being around who he loves, no matter the consequences. So many girls have fallen in love with this vampire, even though he is well, a vampire, and purely fictional. But when you really think about it, there are so many guys like Edward in the world. The way I see it, Edward Cullen is the representative for all the guys in the world that would fight their deepest inner and outer battles to be with the one they love. I don't blame the girls for wanting an Edward Cullen, but I'd easily trade in all that cold, pale skin and venomous teeth for his warmth any day.

I'm looking at you and my heart loves the view.

AQUARIUS, GO CARRY MY WATER

Yah yah, I know it's against my religion and all, but I always read the horoscope section in every magazine and newspaper I open. Normally I laugh about how stupid it is, but dosn't it suck when it actually relates to your life? Like, it's creepy, but when its bad news or whatever its just like "um, thanks.. Tell me something that I don't know"

Your horoscope for November 16, 2008
Think about where you would like to live that is conducive to educational or professional pursuits. A residential move or even just changing your décor will alter your outlook, bringing you closer to reaching your life goals.

Surprisingly it dosn't get any easier.

THERE IS A LIGHT THAT SHINES

There are some things in life that are just handed to you. And then there are some things that you have to long for, beg, and just patiently wait until you finally get it. From a young age, most people want it, but when I wanted it, I never understood the reality of it. At the time, all you care about is the "status", how cute it will look on your APT107 layout. You just want to take all those cute pictures with them, and maybe hold hands, but thats all. But as you grow older, your wants grow to needs, and you just need someone. Some people wait forever, but when the time comes that you need it, your wishes are usually granted. For about two years now, I knew who I wanted. Even though there were so many things in between, all I knew was that one day we would be together. Earlier this year, I prayed, I longed for, and I needed someone, anyone. Someone that would understand, and help me get through the day. And I got that in form of who I wanted all along. I am so thankful that I have such a wonderful person to talk whenever I want, that will put up with my ridiculousness. I'm glad that we can talk about anything without it getting awkward, and we can be up all night having endless discussions. And I'm so happy that no matter what I do, he'll love me for who I am, and I will as well. I am so lucky, and so thankful that I have what I've been looking for.

There are times where you need someone, I will be by your side
There is a light that shines special for you and me

BREAKING DOWN IS HARD TO DO

I'm falling apart, and I can't even find the pieces.

Now that I've fallen, when will you come and pick me up?

A MILESTONE ACHIEVED, SITTING IN A PEW

Today another milestone was conquored in my life. Today I went to church. That may not sound like a big milestone to you, especially if you went to school with me, but I haven't been to church in.. Well, let's just say a long time. At first, it was honestly because I didn't want to, and at the time of living with my cousin, I didn't have to either. Then it turned into being forced to go to church, which instantly made me rebel of course. And now it's really that I don't have any one to go to church with, or a ride there most of the time, and I refuse to sit alone. But whatever my excuses, honestly these past few months I haven't felt like going to church. By all means, judge me how you want on that, (when you think about it though, isn't He the only one that should judge?) but since my mom passed away, I didn't feel that same need to go to church like I used to. It's not like I lost faith in God or anything, if anything I feel that my relationship with God is at it's strongest yet. But today, after being bugged for weeks to go to church, I finally went. If I didn't like going to church in the first place, then I detest going to where I went today. Even though this place is where it all began for me, I honestly hate going there. I don't know what it is about that place that makes my insides go in knots, but I hate that feeling. Theres always something that I don't like about it. Stuffy area, constant murmurs of tagalog, run-in's with almost forgotten people, boring priests, and have you noticed how unbelievably cold is always is in there? Well today, while donning uggs, a scarf and coat for the extra cold, Mass actually wasn't that bad. Not once did I have to look at my watch and think "is it over yet??" No, today wasn't too bad. Unexpectedly I didn't even have to sit alone since an old friend came and sat beside me, and even better, she hadn't gone to church even longer then I had. Today I actually understood what they were talking about, maybe it was because I was actually listening, and I started to feel that good feeling that I used to get when I went to church. I'm not saying that I'm turning back around to my old weekly habit, but my mind is slowly taking church out of the list of places where I don't want to spend my Sunday.

If I fall, will you pick me up?

EFFORT LOST WITHIN SELF-PITY

I've always been the kind of person that can be stuck in a room with almost anyone, and I'll be able to find something to talk about. Even though it may be about the most random things, or about something that has little or no interest to me, I'll still talk about it. I always try to make an effort to talk to people and attempt to make them feel comfortable. I know that for some people, that may not be their strong suit, but one thing that can really bug me is when you have to expect others to be the only instigators of conversation. Not only conversation, but friendship aswell. After high school you realize that all your friends have their own things to do, what with differnt schools, jobs, living situations and what not. After high school it's more than essential that in order to keep in touch, you have to make an effort. And no matter what your going through, or your personality, without that effort, it's easy to loose touch with everyone, and maybe even give people the wrong idea. You realize that you can't just expect everyone to call you up or to message you on facebook to go hang out and catch up. It's all about what you do, and how you make an effort. You can't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself that your not invited out with your old friends. Without making that effort, you get lost within your own life of self-pity. Which by the end of the day, is something that you'll end up drowning in until you finally realize that you yourself will have to make the effort.

"I do what I gotta do, I'm trying to get through to you"

DETERMINED TODAY, LOST & CONFUSED TOMORROW

If theres one thing that I hate about myself it's my indecisiveness. Sure, I can be stupid, lazy, I can spend all my money, eat too much, or say stupid things. But those things can be helped, usually controlled. I hate that with being indecisive, I'm trying to think of the future, really trying to think it through, and yet I can never make up my mind. Since it's so far away (but really, isn't life going so fast, that what seems like so far, is actually closer than you think?) I can't just go with the flow, especially when it just might be one of my biggest changes ever. I can't stand that I don't know what I really should do. I don't want to hurt my family, but I don't want to hurt myself either. Bottom line, I'm scared. I'm scared of my decision, because either way, someones going to walk away unhappy. And either way, I'm going be looked at badly for even thinking of wanting what I want. Stupid how things work isn't it? For some reason, this is really stressing me out. Like, I'm trying so hard to do what I need to do to keep myself sane, but how do I do that when they don't even realize that I'm going insane? Apparently to her, I've always been insane. And sure, theres had heat between us for what seems like forever. But really, now I'm just insane for different reasons. I don't understand when people have been something negative for years, and their excuse is "but they've always been that way". Well if they've always been one way for so long, thats making them unhappy, why don't they do something about it? I hate how people live such miserable lives and their only excuse is that it's been so long. Well, I have been in that situation for a long time, does that mean that I'm not entitled to be happy? What kind of thought is that? I'm eighteen, yet since I've been unhappy for so long, therefore I'm destined to be unhappy forever? No, even if that was the case, I am determined to never let myself be unhappy forever without trying to do something about it. And if doing something about it means to screw some other unhappy people over then.. Well.. That brings me back to being lost & confused, once again. So for now, I have to suck up my indecisiveness, and try to just let it flow. If it flows into what I want, I can't get in too much trouble, right?

It's like I know where to go, but I don't know how to get there.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MOVING ON

It's been all about starting over with me these past few months. Since graduating high school, moving in with my aunt, and starting college, it's been pretty rough starting over. I didn't think it would be too bad, I've done it before, I'm all about the transitions in life. I'm usually one that can adapt to a new environment just like that. But now I'm kinda realizing one thing I've been told before. It's easier to adapt to a new place, than to change everything for somewhere you've been forever. I didn't want to believe that, I love where I live. I love Surrey (although I do miss Fleetwood), I love Vancouver. I love how it's always grey outside, how it dosn't get too cold, how it's always raining, and how I always need a jacket (it gives me an excuse to buy jackets). I've always been the person that didn't understand how in movies everyone always moves away after high school. I could never see myself living anywhere else. Until now. I don't know whats wrong with me, I don't know why I'm having such a hard time adjusting to life after high school. Maybe it's because I literally got every change I could think of all at once. I hate that I'm expected to pass by my old house, school, hospital, and all that without having emotional attachment to the past. I can't stand seeing all the things I would see when my life was how I preferred it. I'm not saying that I don't like my life right now, cause I really do. But it does mean that I wish that I could move on. And honestly, I don't think that seeing all these things every day is helping me move on. I think that I've proved to be incapable of changing my whole life for a place thats so used to my old life. For now I'll stick it out, but I must say, I think I need a new place in order to move on and fully adapt.

Sometimes I wish that they would read my mind and just understand..