If theres one thing that I hate about myself it's my indecisiveness. Sure, I can be stupid, lazy, I can spend all my money, eat too much, or say stupid things. But those things can be helped, usually controlled. I hate that with being indecisive, I'm trying to think of the future, really trying to think it through, and yet I can never make up my mind. Since it's so far away (but really, isn't life going so fast, that what seems like so far, is actually closer than you think?) I can't just go with the flow, especially when it just might be one of my biggest changes ever. I can't stand that I don't know what I really should do. I don't want to hurt my family, but I don't want to hurt myself either. Bottom line, I'm scared. I'm scared of my decision, because either way, someones going to walk away unhappy. And either way, I'm going be looked at badly for even thinking of wanting what I want. Stupid how things work isn't it? For some reason, this is really stressing me out. Like, I'm trying so hard to do what I need to do to keep myself sane, but how do I do that when they don't even realize that I'm going insane? Apparently to her, I've always been insane. And sure, theres had heat between us for what seems like forever. But really, now I'm just insane for different reasons. I don't understand when people have been something negative for years, and their excuse is "but they've always been that way". Well if they've always been one way for so long, thats making them unhappy, why don't they do something about it? I hate how people live such miserable lives and their only excuse is that it's been so long. Well, I have been in that situation for a long time, does that mean that I'm not entitled to be happy? What kind of thought is that? I'm eighteen, yet since I've been unhappy for so long, therefore I'm destined to be unhappy forever? No, even if that was the case, I am determined to never let myself be unhappy forever without trying to do something about it. And if doing something about it means to screw some other unhappy people over then.. Well.. That brings me back to being lost & confused, once again. So for now, I have to suck up my indecisiveness, and try to just let it flow. If it flows into what I want, I can't get in too much trouble, right?
It's like I know where to go, but I don't know how to get there.
2 comments:
YAY
"I don't understand when people have been something negative for years, and their excuse is "but they've always been that way".
AMEN.
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