FINAL THOUGHT: I THINK I OWE IT TO MYSELF

February 13, 2009

If you haven't already figured from my previous posts, this past year has been quite hard on me. (Shocker isn't it? Especially to my loyal readers) Anyways, a lot has happened, good and bad. I feel like I've been numbed with anaesthetic for the past thirteen months, and most things have been so intense that it's just become a blur. Even though being numb helps you get over the pain, it also prevents you from feeling the pleasure. Some can't comprehend how I live like that, but I do, and I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping it like that for a while now. But honestly, as I've said before, I'm tired. I'm tired of living my life of numbness. I want to feel the pleasure of the great things that I have going in my life, but from what's been going on, the pain has not subsided, it just keeps coming back. I've tried so hard, prayed all I could, and hoped that things could just work out. Things don't always go the way you want them to, and I accept that. But I owe it to myself to be happy. I deserve to withdraw the anaesthetic and feel again. But as much as I hoped, and prayed, and begged for it, it's been proven that I can't do that here. I have never been a person that's hated where I live, and that's not how I feel at all. Vancouver just isn't the same for me anymore. I hope you can understand that.

LIVING THE LIFE

I suppose this whole blogging thing was a little short lived for me. I guess its the whole busy thing. Even though it seems like I do nothing every day, when I really look back on it I've actually been pretty busy. There are so many things going on, and so many factors to consider when making decisions that it gets a little overwhelming. I don't always know what to do, but I can try. One thing that I really want to stress with people is that I want to make me own mistakes. And I think I need that. Honestly, I've been told what to do my whole life, and most of the mistakes I've made is because I did what they wanted me to do and went against my gut feeling. Well now I think I just need to take the plunge and do what I want to do, and what I feel is right. Maybe I should stop asking for peoples' advice that I know don't want me to do the things that I want to do. But then again, I'm nothing without those people. So for now, I'll just live the life that I want for myself. I'm ready to make my own mistakes.

GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF

Since I know that this week and the next are going to be really hard for me, what best to prepare myself by flying off to sunny California to be surrounded by my family that has been so supportive even though they have been so far away. Honestly, I don't think I could have survived the next couple weeks without it. I can't believe that a year has already passed. And I know for a fact that it's going to be hard to face it all over again. So to California I thank for relaxing and preparing me for the chaos of the next couple weeks. I couldn't ask for it any other way.

PENCIL IN RANDOMNESS

I like to daydream. To sit around and think about all the lovely things that I can get with my life, and how I can live it to it's fullest potential. I know what I want, and sorta when I want it. Does that mean that my life is set? Nope. Things never go as planned. No matter how planned, the party tomorrow will end up with the most ridiculously unexpected drama, and you'll get a job that you didn't expect on getting, but it's all good, because for me, unexpectedness is part of the plan. After a while I just learned to pencil randomness in anywhere I could fit it, it makes me feel more prepared, and I need that.

FINDING INSPIRATION THROUGH LOSS

There's that saying, you don't realize what you have until it's gone. For me, I can't really say that I don't see what I have, because I've learned that I need to appreciate whats right in front of me, well I try at least. I have to say though, a few years ago I did not feel the same way. And without her I think it would have taken me a lot longer to figure that out. When I went to the Philippines was the first time I realized how my many people my mom helped in her lifetime, and how much of an impact she made on people. When I was thirteen my mom took me to California to stay with my Lola while she went through chemo for lung cancer. We lived with her for two weeks and drove her to the hospital every day. Two years ago when we visited my recovered Lola in the Philippines, she had no idea who all the people were that were visiting her, until she saw my mom and I, and she cried. The whole time all she could do was hold our hands and stare at us with such a thankful look. That's when I started to think about how my mom helped her, which later grew to how she helped so many others. It's so inspiring to know how much someone so close to you has done. I just hope that I can make half the impact on others that she has.

At least now they can be together, in the light

I CAN'T HELP BUT

-- Go on my blog just to look at my slide show up top. I can't help but smile at all the memories, the people who shaped me into who I am.
-- Think about the future. I know, I know. Live to the fullest now, but the future just looks so sweet, and so much less complicated.
-- Make lists, can you tell?
-- Complain to myself about how messy my room is but do nothing about it.
-- Do what people want me to. I'm happy making other people happy.
-- At the same time, do what I want. I long to be independent, it's an only child thing.
-- Go to school looking forward to my four hour break, how can I not?
-- Want to just stay home on my days off. It's so much easier that way.

AT THE MOMENT

I am trying to:

1) Get rid of this sore&ichy throat/cough/stuffy nose/sneezy thing going on with me by downing shots of Buckley's and mug's of hot water + lemon + honey
2) Do Bio like my life depends on it
3) Keep up in school, even though it feels like I haven't learned a thing this semester
4) Keep in touch with everyone and make the most of it
5) Get over the fact that my "debut" is no longer possible
6) Make peace and accept that "you can't change people, you can only change yourself. All you can do is make peace with yourself, and just say sorry, even though you don't even know what you're saying sorry for"
7) Practise driving as much as I can.. Must. Get. Licence.
8) Cut down on my spending (which has actually been working out pretty well, since I haven't left my house in a good two weeks.)
9) Continue living in a healthy environment (mentally, physically, emotionally)
10) Make the most of the time with my girls