DIFFERENCES PART II

Christmas as always been a fantastic time for me since I was a little kid. You don't realize how much something means to you until things change, which has been the complete story of my life these past few days. I've been trying so hard to keep things moderate, keep things stable. Stability just isn't there for me right now. I never realized it before, but I think this is honestly the hardest part, the highest hill from the lowest valley. I'm trying, I really am. But it's just hard to get up a snowy hill when you're still using all-season tires. So how is it that I can just stick it out? Just suck it up and go with the flow. If you slip, you slip. But even if you break your leg, you still get up eventually, no matter how much help you get. And right now, I need all the help I can get. Thanks for listening.

During times like this, I can't help but wish you were still here.

INSPIRATION THROUGH HIDDEN THOUGHTS

Funny how the human mind works. People think about so many things but when you think about it, only about 15% are said outloud. It happens for different reasons for every thought. Like, you wouldn't ask the random lady at the mall why shes wearing sunglasses or go up to some guy and run your hands through their hair cause you want to know what it feels like. Some things just don't make sense, and then there are some that you just want to keep to yourself. But isn't it the best feeling when someone tells you something positive that they feel about you? Especially when its from the past, it's always great to hear stuff like that. There arn't many times in your life where people tell you how much you have impacted their life. This year I've been fortunate enough to hear a lot of peoples thoughts about me. But as I said, when something was done so long ago it's so touching to finally see it for yourself, and see yourself through their eyes. It's not only flattering, but inspiring. There really is nothing more inspirational than realizing that you inspire someone. Thank you for you're beautiful words, even though I didn't cry unlike the rest of your readers, I'd have to say that I appreciate it the most. Thank you for making things just a tad bit easier.

If only I could read people's thoughts, but there's no way they can handle mine.

DIFFERENCES

Christmas has always been a fantastic time for me since I was a little kid. I have so many stories of the times I went Christmas shopping, the times that I got pictures taken with Santa at the mall, decorating my house, baking cookies and all that fun stuff. I would always get what I wanted from "Santa" and always found it hidden sometime before. Honestly the only thing that I looked forward to in December was Christmas, and I have now say that that's not the only thing to look forward to. This December is turning out pretty good, and of course I'm having a great time, but as pointed out so many times these past few weeks "it's just not the same" for me. It's different, but I actually like it.

I think I can get used to this.

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

It's my first post of December and you know what that means, the holidays are just around the corner! So here I am in my fully decked out house, enjoying the artificial heat in none other than my room, while preparing for my last week of classes. Can you believe it? First week of December and I'm done already! Oh the joy of post-secondary.. This semester has been pretty fantastic (other than chem) and yesterday in English it donned on everyone that it was the last week and it was actually pretty sad.. I've never loved a random class so much, I don't know what it is, but I'm always blessed with a fantastic english class which always seems to make my course load. But anyways, it's the last week with everyone during their normal times at the infamous "g spot", and the last week being "one of the guys" for 2008. After this week, finals, and then endless holiday fun! All I need to do is finish Christmas shopping and I'm set! Parties, Christmas, Calgary, New years. This is going to be a fabulous December!

MY NO LONGER UNWRITTEN THESIS

So this weekend I went to "Black Friday" in the states. Funny how after a holiday, us North Americans find that we need to spend the day in crowds and long lines for the best deals.. But anyways I, like millions of other Americans, went Black Friday shopping. It was interesting going to the mall at 5am to find the parking lot packed, and line up's already in front of stores that are not even open yet. Even more crazy was the fact that I actually even saw people I knew there. One thing I learned this weekend (besides what colour eye shadow works best with what) was that like my sense for shopping, for me it's all about quality over quantity. To me it dosn't matter how many of something I own, or the fact that I have 10 different pairs of shoes or whatever, but as long as the quality is good and it looks fantastic, I'd rather spend more for it. And when I think about it, that's how I am in life too. I know what looks good and what will be good for me, so I'm willing to spend it all on that one thing and wear it a ton. Like, when it comes to non-material things, I just wait until I see exactly what I want, no matter how hard it is to get, and then just go for it. It dosn't matter how many friends you have, or how many guys you've had, or how many classes you take, it's not about quantity. It's about what kind of friends you have, and how great your relationship is, and what you want out of those classes. Why buy 10 pairs of cheap shoes if they make your feet hurt? It just dosn't make sense.

Baby, you can have whatever you like

GETTING PERSONAL WITH THE BATHROOM FLOOR

For a few days or so I've been having another reoccurring dream. Having reoccurring dreams is nothing out of the ordinary for me, I usually have the same dream nights in a row, especially significant ones. But this one was about something that happened a few months ago, actually it was the day before my mom's funeral. It's kinda random, I suppose you could say that I think it's my closest "spirit encounter".

Well that night I had to write my eulogy for my mom's funeral, and I was so busy that week that I didn't write it, I just had the one that I said for her viewing, but I wanted to expand on it for the actual funeral. So that night I got home late from prayer, and I went into my room to my laptop. But instead my laptop was gone, which was weird cause I was using it that morning. So I started freaking out cause it was about midnight and I needed to finish it. My aunts and cousin started helping me look all over the house for it and we practically tore the house apart. But after a while it was nowhere to be found, I knew it was in my e-mail so my cousin drove me to my other cousins house where I could open it to copy. So there I hand wrote my eulogy which wasn't edited very well due to the time constraint, but I got it done eventually and it turned out pretty decent. The next morning my aunt comes in my room saying that she found my laptop in the floor of my bathroom in front of the shower, which was ridiculous, cause all four of us used that bathroom the night before.

My mom always hated how I typed out letters, cards, etc. on the computer, and said that it was impersonal. I suppose she just wanted my last words to be more personal, and that it was. I'm not too sure why I keep having this dream, but I just thought I would share and ask a question. Do you believe that dreams try to tell you something, or are they just random?

Last night I saw you in my dreams, now I can't wait to go to sleep.

CHANGE OF HEART? NO, YOU'RE JUST BIPOLAR

This past week or so has been actually pretty livable. I don't feel so trapped in my room like I have been these past few months, and I actually don't mind staying downstairs and having a conversation once in a while. I don't know if its because of the talk, or because we threw her a huge party, but somethings up. Sometimes I try to think, maybe shes changed. But then again, how many times have I said that within the past five years? So instead I've come to a conclusion. Shes bipolar. There's no other explanation. Why else would be be randomly cooperative when we've been having stupid disagreements for months? I'm not stupid, I'm not going to fall for it again, I've learned from my mistakes. I always hope that maybe she realizes that she's insane and will somehow turn back to a normal person. But no, every time she proves me wrong. Lately she always seems to disappoint. I miss the times when she actually was what she tries to be. But like I said, I learn from my mistakes.

You're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no.